For twelve years we have had the most complex of relationships. We were childhood rivals, sweethearts, frenemies. We shared ugly words, we touched tongues and lips, we made amicable chitchat. Adolescence hasn’t helped to unblur the distinctions of what category we fall under, to this day. It’s difficult to attempt to unspool the history that’s laid out between us – miles and miles of history carved by our past. That’s probably why it has taken me this long to write this. In the past I’ve sat down to ready pages and ready pens, only to stand up to unused pages and unused pens.
We’ve drifted. Grown apart. Gone separate ways. Let’s not sugar coat it. It’s the truth. And I hardly doubt you care much. You wouldn’t have let it happen if you did. But the same can be argued for me. The relationship was never on equal footing. I needed you more than you needed me. You relied on that imbalance of power to keep me around. Begging for your attention, your time.
It wasn’t all doom and gloom before he showed up. And I really only have myself to blame for inviting him into our lives. The deal was made and I held up my end. Like I expected you to. But you didn’t because you couldn’t. It’s not in you to be selfless. That may be harsh but it’s what this past decade has taught me. There was a prize awaiting you when I completed my end of our bargain. Him. I talked to him for you but you didn’t do the same for me. And once he was as infatuated with you as I had been, the oscillation into madness burned quicker and brighter than a Roman candle.
One by one he replaced the people in your life. Your acquaintances, your family members, your friends. Me. I shed tears in your room, worried it would happen months before it became serious, and you still allowed him to envelop your life. Of course I lashed out. He had stolen away the one person I always wanted to be around. Your time was now his time and I confused jealousy over you with romantic feelings for him and I destroyed one of the most special moments in your life. For that, I’m sorry. I’m also deeply sorry for trying to steal him away from you. In front of you, behind your back, anytime and anyplace I could try. But he never wavered. And I’m glad. Because you’re happy. Happier now than you ever were with me. I can’t continue to stand in the way of that. Realising it, I stopped. I tried to just be his friend and continue to be your best friend. But it was so clear to me, as it had been with everyone else in your life, that no one would stand in the way of you two. Who was I to try?
What I didn’t expect was for you to let me go without a fight. You reached out once, twice, and that was it. A friendship spanning a decade and two years in the dirt. But I guess it’s clear how much I put into the relationship. You still have my clothes, my presents, my memories. I’m not sure what I have left of you, or what I even want from you anymore. Friendship? I have friends I can truly count on now. One call and they’re here for me. I’m not sure I ever even had you like you had me. I suppose only time, as it continues to carve out our future, will tell what happens
to us. To you. And to me.